I got the picture

For several years, more than I can really remember, I've had this pain in my lower back and I called it sciatica. I told the dr. I have sciatica, what do you recommend? Take Tylenol regularly she said, or you might try Alleve. It does more for inflammation.
So for at least 4 years that I can call to mind, I have basically been sitting down most of the time because standing is so painful it just isn't something I like to do. So when I cook, I throw food in the pan and sit, stir it and sit, wash a dish or two and sit. Going to Walmart could send me into a pain frenzy that would last for several hours and sometimes even into the next day if I spent more than 10 or 15 minutes there. Sometimes I stood in line that long.
I even bought a little stool that doubles as a cane. If I have to sit, it just unfolds and I can sit. I've used this on several shopping trips to help me keep going.
I know I'm no fun to go anywhere with, because almost everything requires walking to some extent. I had to quit playing bunco because the constant getting up and down would kill me before the night was over so I just gave it up. Also it was impossible for me to have my turn because I couldn't be on my feet long enough to do the preparations.
So last week I went to the dr. and she asked me how everything was. But my regular dr. wasn't available so they gave me someone else. I told her about my pain and mentioned how difficult life was becoming with what I now consider a handicap.
She immediately went into action, ordered me a handicap hanger for my car, sent me up to xray that very day and the next day I had an appointment for an MRI. It seemed like all of a sudden someone heard me.
So I went to the MRI and this week she called me with the results. She had reviewed the picture and the MRI showed a cyst in my right hip. What??? You mean.. there really is something in there causing this pain? Its really not just all in my head? The cyst is pushing on a nerve .. imagine that. And because of its presence it is forcing "things" (what else is in there) over to the left side pinching the nerve on that side too.
So now I am going to be scheduled to see a neurosurgeon and maybe have surgery to remove the cyst. Wouldn't that be something to wake up and have that nagging pinched nerve hurting me. I suspect I'd still be stiff just cause I'm old, but I bet I could wash dishes again!

Birthdays

Today Brayden is three. I can't help but remember the day he was born and I'm so thankful that I got to be there. Zach had been in Japan for 8 months and they let him come home for the baby's birth. Amy and I flew out to spend his birthday with him and when we got to the airport, we had to wait because they were at the hospital and the baby was imminent. We spent the rest of the day going back and forth to the hospital and the night at the hospital and little Brayden didn't make his appearance until 17 minutes after midnight giving him a different birthday than his daddy.
So yesterday was Zach's birthday and today is Brayden's. I so wish I could have flown out there again to celebrate with them. Its so hard to see Bailey and Brayden growing up in pictures only, but at least with internet, they can put pictures up often for me to see.
I love those babies and they will grow up knowing there is some old woman in Texas they go see once a year and have no real relationship with me. Each year they will get bigger and then will come a time when they won't even want to come any more. Such is life when the daddy is in the Navy.

Miss Maggie and Haiti

I came home yesterday and when I opened the back door to let the dog in, there was no dog. I had this sinking sensation that my little smile maker was gone. I walked around the yard and under the fence saw a hole big enough for a horse to fit through it. She must have worked very very hard to make her escape. She had chosen a new spot beside the protective flower pot I had set out there after her last escape.
Anyway, I just walked outside with the leash in my hand feeling totally helpless. She was nowhere to be seen. I made a feeble attempt to call her and all I got in answer was the dogs across the street barking at me.
So, I came in and put on my walking shoes, and once again I ventured out leash in hand and started walking. I could hear children playing in the next block so I followed the voices. I came even with where I could see them and bless her heart, she saw me first and she started running to me.
The joy in my heart to see my sweet baby was just overwhelming. I had a little talk with God before I walked outside the house. I know and so does God know, how much I need this little dog in my life. Her companionship and happy demeanor are vital to my life right now. So of course when I saw her, I said my thank you's and I'm still saying them.
But this morning I read about the pain and suffering in Haiti and I felt almost guilty for asking God to help me find Maggie when those people are in such dire straights. The pain and misery and pure helplessness of their situation is just beyond my comprehension. Their life even before the earthquake was rather hopeless in their poverty stricken state. This morning I read about an orphanage that is attempting to get the children out of the country. Taking 27 infants on a bus, they drive through the streets crowded with dead bodies and people just lying beside the road. The heat and the stench is unbearable and so my prayer today is much deeper, that those poor people can get some relief. I know that this prayer can't be granted as quickly as my prayer to find Maggie. And for many people the only relief they can get is to die. Such a sad and horrible situation as any natural disaster such as this always is.

Sweet Sleep

Work this time of year is always a challenge. There's always several deadlines and things that have to be done to gear up for tax season. Even though I try hard not to carry work home with me in my head, sometimes I have no control. If I have a project that is perplexing to me, its just as perplexing after I get home as it was when I was at the office. By the middle of Wednesday afternoon I found myself completely exhausted and unable to think about much of anything at all. I have so many projects going on I can't seem to stay focused on any of them, especially when I'm tired.
So I came home and spent a quiet evening playing with my dog, fixing myself a nice supper, eating and then went to bed early. I feel asleep immediately and I slept until after 4:00 a.m. That's just unheard of. I am usually up every two hours for a run "down the hall". Thankfully Maggie never stirs when she hears me get up. I think she is afraid if she reminds me of her presence she will have to go back to the crate so she's vewy vewy quiet.
Anyway, Wednesday night was uncommon because I slept from 10:30 to 4:00 without interruption. Its amazing how much better I feel for having had that sweet sleep. I got back in abed and cuddled down in the covers and slept until 6:30. I didn't even hear the radio until 6:25 even though it was playing. What a wonderful rest. Maybe today I can tackle some things without feeling so hopeless about it all.

I have taken some cloud pictures the last two days. Its fun, I stand in the same place every day and take some clouds. Then I turn around and take what's behind me. Since I'm facing west first and then turn east, its like two different locations. What a fun project!

Grown Up Babies

This morning is just impossible for me. I can't even believe what an emotional mess I am today. Last night I guess I was just too tired to react, but this morning it seems like it all just hit me.

My baby granddaughter (who is 20) is getting married. She brought me pictures of her trying on wedding dresses, sometimes in full gown and veil. The very idea that she could be this grown up and ready to get married, is just more than my heart can hold today. I've been crying ever since I got up. It just keeps coming over me, memories of us when she was a baby. Memories of her when she lived with me for a little bit. Memories of her as such a wonderful cute little girl.

The same kind of thing hit me Saturday when I was getting my hair cut by my other granddaughter. After she finished with me, I had to wait on my ride and I looked over at her working on someone else. All grown up, working for a living and absolutely beautiful. Surely just the other day she was a baby laughing in my arms.

And with the realization that the wedding date of the the first granddaughter has been moved up because my grandSON is going in the Navy just hit me full force. He is leaving in April and I'll have to go through all that too. Its a lot for an old lady.

The youngest of the older 4 is all grown up too and she's going to be in the wedding as a bridesmaid. Actually all of them are going to be in the wedding and I'm trying to imagine how I'll ever be able to keep myself from losing it that day when i see my grown up babies all in a row, all decked out, on the brink of their lives.

A little Cloudy

I was browsing in Facebook and I saw in the side bar a group to join that is called 365 clouds. Its a photography group who have committed to taking pictures of clouds every day in 2010. I don't want to join a group but I thought it was an awesome idea. So as much as I possibly can, I'm going to conciously take pictures of clouds as many days as its possible. I often see some great clouds in the morning on the way to work, so watch for my clouds to be posted on my blog.
Today I'm going to drive in the country so I should see some great clouds. I hope none of this clouds my judgment.

Practical

I want to make an altered book. For several years now I've thought that I would do that. I got the necessary books that tell how to do the bones, I have enough junk laying around to fill 90 books, I even have a book. But I can't begin. I get the book and I look at it and I picture myself happily gluing pages together and decorating the book. But I can't make myself take the book and do it.
So I'm analyzing WHY can't I start the book??? And my answer comes back loud and clear.. I don't have a purpose in mind for it. I can't think of what theme I would like to make the book about.
I'm in a transition trying to do something that has no purpose other than the pleasure of it. So that is not practical. Somewhere in my lifetime, the need for practicality took over my brain and threw out the need for frivolity. If it isn't practical, we just don't do it. If it serves no purpose, we don't do it. It must have an end use or we don't do it. Well that and the fact that it is going to make a mess in the house and I don't want to clean up a mess. Once again.. practical.
So today I'm going to try to free the brain from its practical prison and give it permission to do something just fun. I will just make the first two pages trying some of the ideas I see in the books. There is no purpose to this book, its going to make a mess, not to mention desecrating a perfectly good readable book.