Birthdays

Today Brayden is three. I can't help but remember the day he was born and I'm so thankful that I got to be there. Zach had been in Japan for 8 months and they let him come home for the baby's birth. Amy and I flew out to spend his birthday with him and when we got to the airport, we had to wait because they were at the hospital and the baby was imminent. We spent the rest of the day going back and forth to the hospital and the night at the hospital and little Brayden didn't make his appearance until 17 minutes after midnight giving him a different birthday than his daddy.
So yesterday was Zach's birthday and today is Brayden's. I so wish I could have flown out there again to celebrate with them. Its so hard to see Bailey and Brayden growing up in pictures only, but at least with internet, they can put pictures up often for me to see.
I love those babies and they will grow up knowing there is some old woman in Texas they go see once a year and have no real relationship with me. Each year they will get bigger and then will come a time when they won't even want to come any more. Such is life when the daddy is in the Navy.

Miss Maggie and Haiti

I came home yesterday and when I opened the back door to let the dog in, there was no dog. I had this sinking sensation that my little smile maker was gone. I walked around the yard and under the fence saw a hole big enough for a horse to fit through it. She must have worked very very hard to make her escape. She had chosen a new spot beside the protective flower pot I had set out there after her last escape.
Anyway, I just walked outside with the leash in my hand feeling totally helpless. She was nowhere to be seen. I made a feeble attempt to call her and all I got in answer was the dogs across the street barking at me.
So, I came in and put on my walking shoes, and once again I ventured out leash in hand and started walking. I could hear children playing in the next block so I followed the voices. I came even with where I could see them and bless her heart, she saw me first and she started running to me.
The joy in my heart to see my sweet baby was just overwhelming. I had a little talk with God before I walked outside the house. I know and so does God know, how much I need this little dog in my life. Her companionship and happy demeanor are vital to my life right now. So of course when I saw her, I said my thank you's and I'm still saying them.
But this morning I read about the pain and suffering in Haiti and I felt almost guilty for asking God to help me find Maggie when those people are in such dire straights. The pain and misery and pure helplessness of their situation is just beyond my comprehension. Their life even before the earthquake was rather hopeless in their poverty stricken state. This morning I read about an orphanage that is attempting to get the children out of the country. Taking 27 infants on a bus, they drive through the streets crowded with dead bodies and people just lying beside the road. The heat and the stench is unbearable and so my prayer today is much deeper, that those poor people can get some relief. I know that this prayer can't be granted as quickly as my prayer to find Maggie. And for many people the only relief they can get is to die. Such a sad and horrible situation as any natural disaster such as this always is.

Sweet Sleep

Work this time of year is always a challenge. There's always several deadlines and things that have to be done to gear up for tax season. Even though I try hard not to carry work home with me in my head, sometimes I have no control. If I have a project that is perplexing to me, its just as perplexing after I get home as it was when I was at the office. By the middle of Wednesday afternoon I found myself completely exhausted and unable to think about much of anything at all. I have so many projects going on I can't seem to stay focused on any of them, especially when I'm tired.
So I came home and spent a quiet evening playing with my dog, fixing myself a nice supper, eating and then went to bed early. I feel asleep immediately and I slept until after 4:00 a.m. That's just unheard of. I am usually up every two hours for a run "down the hall". Thankfully Maggie never stirs when she hears me get up. I think she is afraid if she reminds me of her presence she will have to go back to the crate so she's vewy vewy quiet.
Anyway, Wednesday night was uncommon because I slept from 10:30 to 4:00 without interruption. Its amazing how much better I feel for having had that sweet sleep. I got back in abed and cuddled down in the covers and slept until 6:30. I didn't even hear the radio until 6:25 even though it was playing. What a wonderful rest. Maybe today I can tackle some things without feeling so hopeless about it all.

I have taken some cloud pictures the last two days. Its fun, I stand in the same place every day and take some clouds. Then I turn around and take what's behind me. Since I'm facing west first and then turn east, its like two different locations. What a fun project!

Grown Up Babies

This morning is just impossible for me. I can't even believe what an emotional mess I am today. Last night I guess I was just too tired to react, but this morning it seems like it all just hit me.

My baby granddaughter (who is 20) is getting married. She brought me pictures of her trying on wedding dresses, sometimes in full gown and veil. The very idea that she could be this grown up and ready to get married, is just more than my heart can hold today. I've been crying ever since I got up. It just keeps coming over me, memories of us when she was a baby. Memories of her when she lived with me for a little bit. Memories of her as such a wonderful cute little girl.

The same kind of thing hit me Saturday when I was getting my hair cut by my other granddaughter. After she finished with me, I had to wait on my ride and I looked over at her working on someone else. All grown up, working for a living and absolutely beautiful. Surely just the other day she was a baby laughing in my arms.

And with the realization that the wedding date of the the first granddaughter has been moved up because my grandSON is going in the Navy just hit me full force. He is leaving in April and I'll have to go through all that too. Its a lot for an old lady.

The youngest of the older 4 is all grown up too and she's going to be in the wedding as a bridesmaid. Actually all of them are going to be in the wedding and I'm trying to imagine how I'll ever be able to keep myself from losing it that day when i see my grown up babies all in a row, all decked out, on the brink of their lives.

A little Cloudy

I was browsing in Facebook and I saw in the side bar a group to join that is called 365 clouds. Its a photography group who have committed to taking pictures of clouds every day in 2010. I don't want to join a group but I thought it was an awesome idea. So as much as I possibly can, I'm going to conciously take pictures of clouds as many days as its possible. I often see some great clouds in the morning on the way to work, so watch for my clouds to be posted on my blog.
Today I'm going to drive in the country so I should see some great clouds. I hope none of this clouds my judgment.

Practical

I want to make an altered book. For several years now I've thought that I would do that. I got the necessary books that tell how to do the bones, I have enough junk laying around to fill 90 books, I even have a book. But I can't begin. I get the book and I look at it and I picture myself happily gluing pages together and decorating the book. But I can't make myself take the book and do it.
So I'm analyzing WHY can't I start the book??? And my answer comes back loud and clear.. I don't have a purpose in mind for it. I can't think of what theme I would like to make the book about.
I'm in a transition trying to do something that has no purpose other than the pleasure of it. So that is not practical. Somewhere in my lifetime, the need for practicality took over my brain and threw out the need for frivolity. If it isn't practical, we just don't do it. If it serves no purpose, we don't do it. It must have an end use or we don't do it. Well that and the fact that it is going to make a mess in the house and I don't want to clean up a mess. Once again.. practical.
So today I'm going to try to free the brain from its practical prison and give it permission to do something just fun. I will just make the first two pages trying some of the ideas I see in the books. There is no purpose to this book, its going to make a mess, not to mention desecrating a perfectly good readable book.

Empty headed

Usually I have some idea in my head of an issue or subject I want to consider for the day. Today I am empty headed. My brain won't stop and settle on one thought. I went to a chat last night about Photography and there were 50 people in the chat. Not just 50 people.. but 50 WOMEN. Of course I am a woman, but when I see 50 women together it makes me know why women sometimes get a bad rap. I sat back tried to follow the moderator. I wanted to learn how to use the forum and what the rules were etc. What could have taken the moderator 10 minutes took over an hour because most of the women insisted on inserting comments about chocolate, how silly they were, or showing off how smart they are. As with all of these kind of things, it will not continue to be 50 people every time. And the chats will become easier. But it almost turned me off to the whole thing because I couldn't get what the moderator had to say without reading through all the garbage.
That's my vent for today. I need to not make this a vent blog, but rather something to use to think through things to make a better me.
Oh wait.. maybe I'm as good as I'll ever be and there's nothing more I can do at this age.

Accept

This one has a lot of different meanings. It was the Verb of the Week at the Art Journal Caravan. Accepting gifts has never been one of my best features. If someone wants to give me something my mind quickly calculates how I'm going to give back. My friend says that is because of my upbringing "by the book" and I hadn't thought of that. My mother said.. if someone brings you food, you must never return the bowl empty. If someone gives you a gift, you must hand write a thank you note within 24 hours. If someone gives you... and on and on and on. My friend says my thinking is, if all that is attached to the gift, just don't accept the gift and you are off the hook.
That just sounds awful put that way. I am generous to a fault, I share everything I have with anyone who wants it. Sometimes I give away things I really want because someone else wants them. I will give my time freely when I really need it. But I cannot receive. I like gifts.. I really do. But I always feel so compelled to give it back, to not accept it, because "I don't need it".. "I already have one" anything you want to put there.
Since the Art Journal Caravan is about looking inside oneself, this is one of the uglies I'd like to cure before I get much older. Of course I'll be perfect when the end comes if I keep doing these self-examination exercises. I will have purged all my faults and I will be a perfect human being.

Deaths

This week in just a few short days, the tiny community I live in has experienced the death of three well known people. One was just a girl, only 26 years old. I didn't know her personally but she's the age of my son. I feel a grief for her death because she had so much to live for and so many more things she needed to get done.
The second one is someone I know, and he's lived a good long life. He was healthy up until Saturday and then it was over. For that I'm glad. He was 84. But he leaves behind a wife. They have been together since they were young, raising children, grandchildren, experiencing all of life's griefs and trials. I try to imagine how this woman is going to be after the funeral, after the shock, when she goes home and is alone to face the fact that he's no longer there. I've been on my own for so long I cannot remember what it was like to have a constant companion, but I keep trying to imagine how she'll cope, how she'll feel, how the grief will effect her. Rather a maudlin subject this morning, but it seems to be something that I need to deal with because I am grieving not so much for him because he's in a better place, but for her. Imagining the every day conversations .. what do you want for supper? did you pick up that (fill in the blank) at the store today? just ordinary things. And then there is no one there to ask, no one to care what you eat for supper or even if you eat supper.
The other death is similar to the second one. A widow left alone, and she's dealing with cancer herself. Its all part of life, the dying is. I've seen enough people die, even children, and I know its inescapable. Death itself does not scare me or worry me, just the people who are left behind and what they have to cope with.
Maybe tomorrow I'll have a happier mind. Yesterday all day I felt like the color black or at best dark blue. Today I'm up to a lighter blue, but still rather on the darkish side. I didn't know what the problem was, but now that I've written this I see what it is.
Journaling is amazing.

Please Someone Smack My Forehead

Today I'm struggling with whether I'm generous or just stupid. This is sparked an incident where I went out on a more physical type job than my normal, but its all part of my job. The job at hand involved bending to reach something about 2 feet of the ground. That particular position is just the trigger to set off the nerves in my back and make them go tingling down my legs and up my back. Even though this was for work, for some strange reason I gathered my own supplies and dove into the work as if it was my very own. There was another person with me who was just walking around pointing out where the 2 feet off the ground things were. By about the 8th one, I was in obvious pain and I offered to let her finish. She declined and said.. you are doing fine. But I wasn't doing fine. And I never should have been out there in the first place. There are people you can hire to do that sort of thing. So today I am hurting really bad, I'm mad at myself for even volunteering to get the stuff together. But in my infinite wisdom I knew we would arrive at the destination with no supplies and then have to go on a shopping trip to get what we needed and it would take much longer than needed. So I just did what I thought was a good deed, but ended up hurting myself in the long run. The sad part is, I do this over and over and over again. Its like "please someone smack my forehead" so I'll quit doing that!!

Wisdom

I've been on this saga since the beginning of the year, its a journey into my inevitable aging. I tried making a list of all the things I notice about aging and everything on my list was negative. I don't like to focus on negative so I decided that negativity was causing me to be blocked in my thoughts and I need to find some positives. I thought a long time and finally I discussed this with someone. While not as old as I am, she is still no spring chicken either, so she can understand where I am coming from.
Her answer to me was quick and I knew she had thought about this a lot too. She said the main positive to aging is WISDOM. I find that to be 100% true. You can't live a long time without learning a whole lot. Just the experiences of a lifetime teach and teach and teach again. Sometimes we make the same mistakes over and over again until we learn what is causing them and have the WISDOM to stop the madness. Besides the experiences of failure and redoing, we have experiences of successes when we just plain figure something out and it works.
Then there is the WISDOM we gain when we purposely set out to learn something new. And you read books about other people's experiences. So each year you live, WISDOM grows and new things happen and you just store more and more.
And the WISDOM you gain in a million conversations with a thousand different people in the many years. I can't help but wonder how many conversations I have had in my lifetime. From each one, some WISDOM is imparted to my brain as I view how other people think and receive information.
I don't feel "smart" about it. Its just there. I can pull up answers to many things without even knowing when and how it became part of me. Sometimes I try to recall when that bit of information because part of my being, and most of the time I don't know. I hope I'm WISE enough to know I don't have to pursue the why's, just accept it.

COLD Memories

Its very cold again this morning. Cold for Texas standards anyway. I guess 24 is cold no matter how you slice it. But when its cold like this it evokes memories of my childhood in Ohio.
If you lived in town, the bus did not pick you up. No matter how far your house was from the school, the bus was for country kids only. I lived about a mile I suppose, from the school. As a little girl it seemed very far and often very cold. We would don our boots, scarves, sweaters and coats. By the time we got done bundling up we were probably carrying 20 extra pounds. I would set off on my morning walk and before long the insides of my nose would feel like they were frozen together. Then the fingers started to lose feeling and then the toes. About 3 blocks from my house the country bus would pass me with a half empty bus. My classmates would wave to me as they rode in comfort while I trudged frozen through the snow. It didn't hurt me I'm sure, except for the fact that even now when I get cold, my nose loses feeling due probably to a little frost bite.
A few years later after I had graduated and I happened to be back in town for something, I drove down the street one morning and there were a bunch of kids congregated on the corner by where I used to live. Shortly I saw the bus stop and pick them up. I always wondered why no one ever thought of that when I was a kid.
Oh well, unlike Bill Cosby my walk was only uphill one way.
Anyway, its cold here this morning and when I get cold I remember that brisk morning walk. I only live 1 mile from my job, I should walk to work this morning.. just for old times sake.

NOT

Smiles

Maggie makes me smile. Plain and simple. I look at her and I smile. When she's playing I want to interrupt her play and pick her up and hug her to me and feel her warm puppiness. She woke me up at 3:00 a.m. with such an awful howling I had no choice but to go check on her. I usually pay no attention to her if she makes any noise during the night but this time it was so pitiful. I thought maybe she didn't take care of business before she went to bed so I got up and let her out. Even that I didn't mind. I smiled at her, hugged her to me and felt her warmth in the cold morning. She brings me joy. On my journey of aging, I find that this puppy is such a comfort to fill my long alone hours. She trots around the house like she owns the place and steals my heart with every step. Its so great to be able to spoil a puppy because unlike your children, they don't grow up and move away and have to fend for themselves.
" Our DOGS will love and admire the meanest of us, and feed out colossal VANITY with their uncritical homage." a quote from Agnes Relier.

The beginning

A beginning is something that marks the start of an event, a period, an era, or the very first blog. Since I don't want to report my every move, my blog will only contain items of importance to me that someone else might find interesting. Since its the beginning of 2010 this blog is not about resolve to do better, but just about a journey I am about to embark on to become even older than I am now.

Aging has become the basis for a lot of my thinking lately. I know that most likely my life journey is past the middle. That may sound gruesome but in reality its just that.. reality. It does not bother me that I'm on the downhill side because the uphill and the middle have really been a pretty good ride. I have no fear except possibly the fear of how I'll survive without my job. But as always, things have a way of working out so in my blind faith, I know this will too.